Back to Square One

Two years ago, I recorded in a blog post about my recent graduation and, in particular, my anxiousness of finding a job and being in a relationship. Since that time, I made it into a relationship, I found an internship, I was promoted to full-time employee at the same job, and then moved to the location of my partner while being allowed to continue working at my job remotely. Over the course of these two years, I was gifted answers to two of my greatest worries.

Yet, as of now, I have willingly given up both of them and have thrust myself back into a place darker than I was two years ago: the trenches of the unknown — admittedly with more tools at my disposal, but with no shining bright light of hope to help guide me out.

It is this night that I decided to break off our relationship of over two years. Despite the hours, days, weeks, and months trying to contemplate the necessary reasons and convince myself that this will eventually lead me to a positive outcome, I feel consumed by guilt of my actions and fear of the aftermath. I feel wretched for having turned away someone who genuinely loved me. I have no easy way of putting into words my reason for this decision. One of the only ways I can find to explain it in my head is that feeling of having a friend who you care about deeply, but who doesn’t naturally gel with you such that you consider them one of your best of friends. I try to break this down into two sides: the casual, fun-loving part of a person, and the serious, more introspective part. I justify the lack of connection in the former with my sense of humor; I feel as if there was little consistent chemistry between us in what we both found funny, outside of us streaming TV shows most nights and laughing at the same parts. In regards to the latter, I feel that many of the topics I wanted to talk about were not engaging to her. Such conversations would quickly fizzle away with an unenthused “oh, interesting.” Some times there would be an attempt to engage, but it often felt awkward and forced, like she was trying to push through the conversation to appease me instead of genuinely wanting to talk about something that I was interested in. Although, to be fair, this was rift that we had discussed in the past and that I feel she truly wanted to correct for me. There were authentic conversations that we had about a variety of topics, and I was genuinely happy during those times. But those moments did not happen enough to buoy the less satisfying parts of our relationship. I became more quiet towards the end of the relationship, feeling like it was safer to be quiet instead of risking saying something she would be confused or feel awkward about. I felt like I could not be myself. I did not feel like I was dating my best friend. This — in spite of all of the torment that the both of us are probably feeling right now — is why I feel like I had to go through with this. I do not want her to be with someone who feels inauthentic. And I want to be with someone who understands me more naturally.

That was my attempt of summarizing my regretful dissatisfaction. I am a biased human being, so this is simply me explaining my own perspective and experience in an attempt to justify my actions and unload much of the grief that I am experiencing on this night.

I primarily wanted to document these most recent feelings, but given the theme of this post, I do feel that I should at least briefly document the other half of the two points I brought up in the beginning: my job. I was lucky enough to be gifted a well-paid internship in my field starting in October 2019. This was for a financial company, and when the COVID-19 pandemic hit, I switched from long commutes to remote work. During this time, my workload increased significantly, and I started feeling stressed out on a daily basis trying to keep up. My boss had a kind, understanding side, but he often had an annoyed, demanding tone that made me fear his expectations. I started getting so scared whenever I received a call that I had to change my phone’s ringtone for his number so I wouldn’t have a mini heart any time my phone lit up. However, I am forever grateful for what he did for me: he promoted me to a regular employee a couple months short of my one year anniversary (giving me a hefty increase in my pay), and fought to allow me to work remotely in another country once I moved for my relationship. Without that, my relationship would not have been able to grow while remaining financially secure. I left the company in May 2021. This was mostly out of necessity in order to continue legally living abroad, but it was also a blessing in disguise because of the inordinate amount of stress I was experiencing under the hood. However, it has been four months since my departure, and I have not been able to land another job in that time. I am worried that, given that I am currently living on my own, I will not be able to afford my current lifestyle while unemployed for that much longer.

So, right now, I am heartbroken and close to broke. I am still abroad, yet my current situation does not necessitate my presence here any more. The bright side starts with this: I am privileged and am still in a good position to pursue what I want. However, that is also the downside… the uncertainty makes me lost and want to weep deep down inside.

The future feels bleak. I don’t know what is going to happen. I’ll try to figure out this next era in my life once the emotional cloudiness dissipates.

About Tpcool

Gamer and modder.
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